Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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