I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
