my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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