If i come over, it means nothing
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
