...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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