Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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