You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
