Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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