No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
