I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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