FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
