The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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