Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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