im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
BRING THE BAGELS
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
