dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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