So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
