Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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