Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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