***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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