He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
