I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
