I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
