I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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