Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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