Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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