please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
