Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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