Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
