I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
