i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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