Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
