so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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