On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
