the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
