I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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