We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's blow job season.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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