Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i've created a new STD.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
