Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
