when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
