Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize