She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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