P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize