he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
