I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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