It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
