Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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