I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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