i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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