I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
