being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
