I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
