Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
