just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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