While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
