Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
