Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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